As my husband and I walked out the hospital doors, the excitement and confidence was just beaming out of us. We had mastered the delivery and birth of our first child, the classes we took seemed easy enough to remember and we had a small human that only really cried when hungry. It was easy enough to shush him when I fed him, so that seemed simple. So far I was nailing this baby stuff!
Fast forward a week, 2am in the morning with a baby that was crying inconsolably and me sitting in bed, trying to breastfeed and settle while feeling like a semi trailer had hit me front on. I was shivering uncontrollably, had intense nausea and had a fever as hot as a European sauna. I had mastitis. I didn't know it at the time but I tell you, it was horrible! And what the hell was going on with this baby? What can I do to get him to stop crying? That’s all we both needed. My husband needed to get up in 4 hours for work and I felt an overwhelming need to control this situation as I guessed that was now my job, my new role as a mother.
After calling my aunt, my sister in law and finally the parental hotline that the television ads had so conveniently boasted about, everyone seemed to have the same advice, “that’s just what babies do, they cry”. But somehow, that didn’t satisfy me. At the end of the day, after all the information given, I honestly just wanted someone to come and take this screaming child away, breastfeed him and let me have a hearty 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. But I knew that wasn’t an option, and never would be.
Everything I was looking forward to just went out the window. The cute polka dot sheets I had made for Leo’s crib, the Pinterest inspired bedroom, the bunting, the adorable clothes I had purchased for him and basically any other materialistic baby item you could get, I had it, and everything was going to be perfect. However, none of it mattered when you had a screaming baby at 3am who had messed his sheets and all you want to do is get him cleaned up and quiet! So who cares what outfit he's wearing and if his bedlinen doesn't match.
Before I had Leo, I didn’t have a hectic job, but I did live a very crazy and fast paced lifestyle. I was lucky enough to have taken a year off work to explore other career opportunities and work on my personal business and socialize, so in my mind, having a baby would just fit into this mix. Boy, was I wrong!
When people tell you life is going to be different, you honestly don't know what to expect, you think "well, I've worked pretty hectic hours, and had some really late nights drunk, so settling a small child would not match up to those moments". At the moment, 6 weeks on, there is no balance, Leo is my life, and that's OK, it's not amazing, and I feel horrible for saying it, but when I see my husbands eyes light up when he sees his son in the morning and night and the excitement my family have when their little man comes to visit them, it's ALL worth it.
I know I will get some decent sleep eventually, it's never enough and you learn to run on battery power but when I see my little guy looking up at me in bed, again it's all worth it.
Until next time, goodnight and sleep tight!
xx
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